


paint in black and white

by Kiiikubb



Category: bts
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Art, Art Student Jeon Jungkook, Death, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluffy, M/M, Sex, Slow Burn, Suicide, bts college au, idk what tags to put sorry, music student kim taehyung, rapper kim taehyung, taekook, vkook
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 00:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13752405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiikubb/pseuds/Kiiikubb
Summary: ayo i wrote alot already i just have trouble editing all my mistakes sorry





	1. Chapter 1

It always looks like its raining, even on the warmest of days where you can physically feel the rays of sun gliding against your skin. its always.. Bleak.. No matter what. It hasn't been long but still I almost forget what colour even looks like.  
What it...f e e l s L i k e...  
On my walk home from working on a painting in the schools art studio, after giving up for the night, it starts to rain. Actually, it's noticeably drizzling before i even step foot outside the door. Looking through the glass with a sigh; The one day i don't bring an umbrella in my bag is the one day it rains on my way home. Pulling at my sleeves i take the strides necessary until i am engulfed in the fresh air and water droplets. Hearing the door swing shut behind me.

It's quite late, around 3 am when i am a few streets away from my work. Just now have i bothered to pull my hood up over my head; finally getting fed up with getting repeatedly assaulted with rain. Hands shoved far down, deep into my pockets i take my usual shortcut down an alleyway.  
My mind wanders to how i used to love when it rained like this. The sky would be grey but everything seemed to have a soft blue hue, more of a lively peaceful grey. I used to take nice long walks at night just listening to and feeling the rain. sitting outside my bedroom window and paint the sky all the colors it was and wasn't. Accepting and incorporating its natural beauty with new elements. I remember admiring the curvature or the colours in the sky, how green the grass always looked (even right after winter when it was a grey green colour, it was still magnificent). 

On summer days where the sun would shine through the bright blue skies, golden afternoons and soft blue evenings. Soft baby pink days and purple nights. Teal. red even colours that i hated, hot pink. brown. yellow... But now i can see that… I loved it all….. I miss it

Now all i can do is see those images in memories.. Barely. Even those have taken on the grey i exist in. i barely even remember the feelings i had.. Happiness? Sadness? Warmth?grandmother's singing? Home cooked meals. laughing with friends. How did that feel like again?  
Colours were what i lived and breathed but… that all stopped one day.i woke up to a world without colour. And i didn't even react. Nothing mattered anymore. I just existed. Eating,sleeping is all i did. Existence was all i have.

Water droplets land on my nose and slowly drift towards my mouth. Wiping it away. It feels as though it's entered my lungs and is expanding and expanding. I feel like i'm drowning. And there's nothing i could do about it.

I want to feel something. Anything. Just not this anymore

Im pulled out of my thoughts as i walk into something warm and abrupt that makes a groaning noise. Eyes widening i curse myself, staring at the dark torso of a hoodie. I close my eyes, shaking my head slightly trying to find the words to apologize.

“Oh ah uh i'm sorry i wasn-” as i glance up i meet soft, warm, kind, yellow. 

My eyes widen at his brown tea leaf eyes. Honey mixed milk skin with warm chocolate brown hair peaking out from under his hood. Even with how dark everything around was he was glowing. Its as if the sun kissed this boy before my very eyes.  
so warm and so yellow existing right in front of me, soul radiating a soft energy that feels like drinking warm drinks on cold evenings. Presence feeling like honey buns with cinnamon sugar and all that gross gooey cute shit he was so… wow I've never seen yellow look this beautiful.

“Stare much?” he broke the silence in a voice a little too deep for his boyish looks. i averted my eyes. Taking a step back after realizing i was frozen in time  
“ I-I..s-sor-I-just.” i swallow and take a short breath “ Don't usually see people around this time of night.. Haha you just surprised me..” i avoided looking at the honey boy. My face is burning and my heart is thumping so hard i'm worried it will cause an earthquake.

“I don't usually see people around at this time either” he beamed and it felt like the sun was shining just for me.  
I just sent him an awkward smile, briefly making eye contact before becoming more and more aware of my increasingly speeding heart. He sent me a boxy full toothed smile that looked so genuine i must be in a dream this is just.. Weird?

"bunny" filled the silence

"what?" i ask, shocked at the irrelevant word which was now broadcast from his lips to my thoughts.  
he ointed at me with a smile.  
"you." 

"what?" was repeated, mouth laying slightly agape at the weird conversation happening. "me?"  
is he drunk?

"yeah your smile, like your teeth, you look like a bunny" he said as if it made the most sense ever. my hand reaches up to my mouth, now incredibly self concious of my teeth. do they look weird?  
\- "okay?" i asked, hand still reaching towards my mouth.  
\- "oh my god is that offensive?" you could hear the smile drop from his face. frantic hand motions followed by golden dust. " i didnt mean it in a mean way i swear im sorry i-its just your smile, teeth regeion.. i dont know it reminded me of a bunny my brother used to have"  
\- "its okay" ive been looking at his hooded chest, uncomfortable with the situation so far.  
his shoulders relaxed as he sighed in relief. hearing the smile back in his voice even if there wasnt one sprawled across his face.  
\- "he was a good bunny to be fair" he once again started rambling. going on about a rabbit ive never needed to know about. but yet there was something endearing about it all. the fondness in his voice and how he spoke so freely. so comfortable. yellow exploding around him as he pours his heart into his spoken love letter to his brothers, now dead, rabbit. closing my eyes in a small smile, soft laugh, i listened to him.  
once silence filled the spaces between us once more i forced myself to open my eyes.  
\- I clear my throat “ well uhm..” scratch my neck, “sorry for walking into you..” awkward light hearted laugh. He chuckles which makes me look up. His eyes folded into two crescent moons as his boxy smile has its own song, a sweet soft hearted audio dripping through his lips . 

“ nono it's actually my fault” he beams and i furrow my brows. He takes to mimicking me by shoving his hands through his sweaters pocket.  
“ I saw you walking and wanted to see if you'd notice you were about to walk into someone or not haha… you looked really lost in thought soooo i was curious” he shrugs innocently. my confused look stands and a small smile crosses my lips. 

“Regardless sorry for that” i say a little more confidently 

“No worries.” he paused for a moment, just smiling at me.  
This is a dream this doesn't happen in real life? Normal people wouldn't just stand around an alley with someone at 3:15 am because they F e e l something. Normal people apologize and walk away. Why was i doing this? Hanging out with a strange boy. Im not even hanging out with him im just… watching him. Like hes an animal or something, in the rain, because what..?  
What?

“Im Tae” he once again broke the silence. Holding his hand out. I reluctantly take the long fingered, outstretched palm of the honey boy now named tae., removing my own from the damp pocket it's been inhabiting this entire time. Warm. giving some sort of semblance to my favorite blue blanket back home. Feeling a familiar comfort brewing in my stomach. 

“I-im jungkook”he smiles 

“Nice to meet you” he shakes my hand. "kook" he's so warm. The way he says my name feels like taking a shower after a long day tending to the farm, getting dressed in clean clothes and crawling into bed with clean sheets. Or eating your favorite meal after not having it in forever. Warm milk on a night you can't sleep. Comfortable. warm. Even after our hands break away i can feel the remnants.

“ Y-Yeah.. You too” i close my hand in a fist to try and hold onto that feeling. I swallow a lump in my throat.

His phone rings and his eyes break away from me for the first time. “Yah” he answers.  
Do i..? Walk away? Do i wait? What do i do? I settle for looking towards my own shoes and pretending to busy myself with my sleeve. 

“Yeah yeah i'm coming now.” he said in a fake annoyed voice. “Tisktisk sooyoung chillllll i-” i feel him look back at me and i am so very interested in my sleeves. I don't look back at him but i can see he talks a lot with his hands. The smooth hands that i can still feel on my own, slowly fading into my palm causing my skin to burn.

Imagining the boy on the other end, completely incapable of seeing this boys expressive nature. Figuring by how casual the speech is that they're close enough that he knows the flailing limbs in front of me.

I am once again lost in thoughts when “I'll talk to you at home okay?” he pleaded. Eventually hanging up  
“Ive gotta go” i snap my eyes back up. Meeting his eyes. Watching them form back into smiley crescents. This time noticing how only one eye is a monolid, the other being a double eyelid. How… cute

“Oh.. oh yeah kay well..” i say and rub my neck. Causing my hood to slip; I looked up at the sky as my hood falls off, noticing the rain. I forgot it was even raining for a moment. for the first time in a long time the rain doesn't feel so bad.

I feel warmth engulf the sides of my face as my hood slides back up. I am face to face, so close, to the honey boy, tae at this moment. He fixes my hood back on my head and smiles brightly, holding the sides of my face for a moment before patting the top of my head. Almost as if he were going to ruffle my hair through the hood.

“ try and keep dry so you don't get sick” the words causally fell from his lips,my heart is so loud i could barely hear him. Heartbeat sounding like crashing waves through a conch shell.. he's so close i notice a mole right under his right eye. 

 

“Oh uh um th-thanks.” i say shyly looking away, hands finding their way to the entrance of my hood and touching the sides lightly. “ i will- you too-keep dry-Stay.. healthy” words are just fumbling out.  
He giggles and i slowly take a step forward and to the right. attempting to pass him.‘bye’ is what i was gonna say but he started walking. Turning around and walking backwards in the direction i just came from. I turn to face him as he walks away.

“ see you around bunny” he waved as he walked away. 

“See you” almost comes out in a whisper, he winks at me before turning right way round and walks… no floats away.

I watched as his light slowly disappeared back into the night. I am once again alone in my grey world. But now i feel a sense of warmth brewing in my stomach heading up to my chest. Now i know what yellow is again… and i don't remember why i ever hated it.


	2. the beginning

Waking up in an empty three and a half apartment was hard to get used to at first. Growing up i lived with my grandmother on her farm. She had all kinds of animals , cows, chickens, pigs, horses…. My favourite part was gardening. She taught me things about strawberries and when to pick them. How to get the best results when growing cabbage and how to get the ripest tomatoes. If i didnt live in the city id probably be a farmer right now. 

I moved to the city for university. I've always had this stupid idea that i could be a famous painter some day. My grandmother was always the only one who ever believed in me.she's the one who even sent in my application when i told her i'm fine with staying home and taking over for her.  
I used to sit and watch her garden as i painted some of the fruits.. Or even her gardening. Then we'd switch and i'd do some gardening and she'd try and paint something. At the end of the day we’d place the paintings on the table and chose one each to hang up.

Thinking back and having holes where those adventurous movie scripted memories should be. But what i did have was good enough for my now nineteen year old self to cherish. 

My parents both sent me to live with my grandmother when i was very young because they were ashamed. Im not sure of what exactly. How can you be ashamed of a six year old? Regardless my older brother is going to take over the company once he graduates university and my younger sister would like to be a doctor… very typical honorable family, very respected... And i just paint dumb pictures so i was thrown away. Im grateful though… because without my grandmother i don't think i would be the same person. 

My grandmother passed away last year around halloween and i was unable to make it home. That threw me off and i started realizing i don't really fit anywhere. Like the wrong piece for this puzzle which is the rest of the world. At her funeral i felt out of place even though i'm the one who was closest to her. Maybe that's what started all this grey? I'm not sure. Possibly. It's probably a lot of things. 

But i've had the urge to leave school recently for that exact reason. I feel as if i don't belong. I don't have many friends, only one boy and he isn't even in my year. I don't paint or draw the same as everyone else and i always say the wrong things.. I'm weird. I shouldn't exist here. But where else do i go? At the funeral my own parents pretended i didn't exist. Nobody wants me around. And i have to live with that.

Waking up is partially the most unpleasant part of the days so far recently.  
I peel myself off of my bed and head straight for the shower. Sighing of relief as the warm water hits my skin. Feeling cleaner and cleaner. For a few moments i can not think and just focus on the water. How it looks. How it sounds. How it feels. As i clean myself the water has its embrace on my whole body and it is the only calm i will have today. As with everyday. Once i leave this tub the day starts and im snapped back into harsh reality. This is my weird little escape routine. 

 

Heading to school i always wear headphones. Helps keep unwanted conversations from starting and also helps with my anxiety about this godforsaken place. As i walk i usually keep my eyes down. It's almost impossible to not notice all the other people coexisting on this street at the same time as me, though.

Everything grey but a thought hits me, i am not the only person with problems. That man over there, the old woman, the kids… everyone.. Any one of them or all of them… their worlds can be grey too. I wonder if any of them have been able to go back and see colour again. I mean it should be possible…. Right? I mean.. Was he real? Tae, honey boy with the brown eyes and warm hands. He was real right? So.. maybe.. 

Suddenly i feel a huge weight hanging around my neck and i notice my friend junghwa hanging from my shoulder. 

“Yah jungkook! Why do you always look so down” he asked in a harsh tone. I could tell he was out last night because of how strong he smelled of alcohol and its obvious he hasn't showered.

“ you really should have showered before you came to school” i say as we stop walking.  
Him giving me a look as i dig through my bag for some perfume,handing it to him. He narrows his eyes and gives me a fake dirty look as he gratefully accepts it.

“Ugh its so girly” he laughed as he sprayed it all over. he looked over the bottle.  
I snatched it back and placed it back in my bag 

“Dont use it then” 

“Is that why you always smell so feminine? I thought you were just some secretive ladies man”  
he jokes and i hit his side

“It smells better than all the gross male fragrances, use your own spray next time. This is what i get for trying to help” he replaces his arm around my neck 

“You smell great” he said as he mockingly deeply inhaled at my neck and i elbowed his side.

Junghwa is my best friend. I met him at the opening ceremony, he was volunteering and he zoned in on me immediately. The loner farm kid was harassed by the popular outgoing son of a ceo of a big company. But he doesn't care about all that stuff. He said he just liked my  
“ V I B E” ((which i cringed at.. Who says vibe for real??)) At first it was annoying. He started tagging around wherever i went all the time. No matter what hed find me and bother me trying to “ break into my shell” and befriend me. Which worked because now i sorta like him, he's cool and comfortable to hang around. And he actually listens to what i say. He's a good guy and i'm grateful he forced his way in… but i will n e v e r admit that to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only class i bothered to pay attention to all day was art class. Which generally meant feeling inferior and anxious because everyone is so good and i'm just…  
Also i lack the inspiration and ability to create colourful, beautiful pieces like i used to. I lazily try and draw the still life that the prof set up in the middle of the room. This is the millionth one we've done in the past week alone. I allowed my mind to daydream, go off into a different land. One far more interesting than the stool and the vase i'm stuck in.

Suddenly a warm pit started spreading through my stomach. A vibrant image of brown eyes and honey accents flood my mind. Going to a new page. Before i can even process what i’m doing i’m in the midst of sketching the familiar sight of the stranger's face. Smaller sketches of his smile and his happy eyes and his nose crinkles scatter across the backs of the page in front as a quick messy sketch of the boy fills the main page. I let out a breath i didn't realize i was holding in as the prof passes by, glancing at my frantic hand

“Good start!” he says happily “ who is that ? a celebrity?” he asked me as he leaned above me,   
watching my sketches intently.

“N-no just …” a stranger “ a friend” staring into the kind eyes on the page makes my heart skip a beat. I haven't felt this warm and golden in forever. Maybe he's my guardian angel? Here to save me from the downward spiral into darkness that i've been scared of falling into?

“Ohhh he's very handsome.” he smiled “can i see your reference photo?” he asked a little too excited. Was it that good?

“Uh i-” i look up at him confused and embarrassed “i don't have a reference?” i say, almost asking him.

“Wow really!? Very cool!” he shined. The wrinkles by his eye prominent with joy. Why is he so happy? “ maybe ask him to do some live modelling some day! I'd love to see you challenge your skills and see just how much you can push with this newfound talent in realism!”

“Maybe” a quiet response. Talent in realism…? Portraits have never really been my thing… but..maybe they are now?

 

I wanted to paint. I really did but…. The colours. I can't choose them and i cant mix them if i can't see them. I wanted to paint the yellow memory that's fading as the days pass but time after time, attempt after attempt… i can tell it's wrong. The only thing i have to even let me remember him was my sketches and they didn't give the same feeling anymore. The eyes are slowly getting different and harder to draw and it all looks wrong. All the features now warped as his face in my mind fades away, along with his colour. 

Not only that but i couldn't paint anything right. Canvases scatter my room and paint is all over everything. Thrashing them around, throwing things and stomping all over. All i ever wanted to do was create pretty things but.. I can't. And it's so hard and it's much harder after seeing yellow and then coming back to nothing. It was like…. Seeing hope, reaching for it, grasping it in your hands only for it to shatter. Turn to sand and slip through your fingers. Why'd the colour leave? Why'd it have to be that? Take my hearing, ability to speak, make me isolated from everyone for the rest of time but please why did you take my colour away? What did i do.

I can't tell if i'm screaming or not but my throat stings. Everything feels so out of control. Everything was so.. Loud. a mess of entangled thoughts and thrashing movements in my ever darkening bedroom. Pulling at my hair i faintly hear my own wail as i kick through a canvas. I am all alone.. With everything.. 

A while later I lay in a mess of paint and broken canvases, feeling myself slowly drying to the hardwood floor and not budging. I ruined the apartment with my acrylic paint, i ruined all my potentially salvageable paintings, i ruined my sheets, clothes, all my furnature, i ruined everything.

On days like today i have a hard time existing. When i manage to peel myself up off the floor i make my way over to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror and seeing a skinny boy staring back. Sunken eyes , fucked up paint dried in my hair. Skeletal. Thin line mouth.it looks like i've been crying but i can't remember if i did. Maybe. The past few hours seemed… blurry. I don't know him. But i also do so well.

I open up the mirror and look for my medication. It's for panic attacks but i don't even know what that is. Is what i just had a panic attack? They don't like explaining things to their patients so that we trust them and just keep forking over money to the pharmaceutical industry. Regardless i took one of the blue pills in my palm. It feeling like a razor blade against my palm. I roll it around there for a moment. Clenching my fist shut and making eye contact with the corpse in the mirror. I can't do this anymore

I clenched my fist so tight my knuckles turned white. Releasing with a sigh and running the tap. Placing the pill along my tongue before sticking my face under the running water. Dragging myself back to my whirlwind of a room and climbing into bed. Pulling the covers way up over my head as i try and succumb to the medications sedative effects .pulling my knees against my chest in fetal positions. Whimpering until i blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

When i arrive home i kick off my breaking shoes and head to my room, seeing the remnants of dried paint all over. I sigh as the memory comes back, now having the dried paint as a permanent reminder of how worthless and helpless i feel. I'd rather just forget the outburst and maybe just try harder but with colours staining everything in a grey hue it's hard to do so.

Peeling off the day's stress in clothes i head to shower, not having time to this morning. changing into a bear kigurumi when i exit, it's dumb and looks dumb and i look dumb but all of my other clothes need to go in the wash ,that i mentally remind myself to do tomorrow, and also it's the most comfortable thing to wear when you're alone, relaxing. Or trying to anyways.

I end up turning on the tv, heading to a website and watching an anime that i've heard some people talk about. It's about a kid psychic who hunts ‘ghosts’ with a guy who pretends to be psychic all while trying to be a normal teenage boy. It sounds dumb and lame through and explanation but it ended up being really interesting. I ended up passing out on my couch some point after making myself some instant ramen around 1 am to the sound of an epic fight between the main character and a rival of his power. 

The next day is a wednesday and i am thankful that i didn't have any morning classes because by the time i'm sliding myself off the couch it's already 10 am. awaking from a dream of all my teeth falling out as darkness swarms around me, classmates and ‘family’ all enjoying their time all around me as the shadowed veil falls. Sinking deeper and deeper into the dark, getting smaller and smaller until waking up.  
Grumbling as i stand up, stretching my arms out. I check my phone, having received a good morning text from junghwa.

Today just felt like a blur, fast forward life that i'm not really present to register. Zoning in and out of my own body. Tired, not needing sleep but desperately wanting to so that i could just take a break from this 

The only class i zoned in for was, once again, art. Having a live model in the room and feeling the urge to pack up and go home. She was standing in the middle of the room, rotating poses and spinning on her stool. Sometimes facing me and after 10 different poses facing the opposite direction. I am lost in my thoughts before i notice my prof standing behind me

“Having issues?” he asked. I nodded. “What happened to the energy from last class. I was sure you'd be able to do this no problem..’ he trailed, i shrugged, he sighed and walked away.

 

Maybe i'm depressed i think to myself as i attempt to fix the mangled mess of limbs on paper. Disproportionate and angled in all ways impossible. It looked choppy and unpleasant and represented how i felt at that moment. Pure frustration.

 

Art never comes out good when you have to force. And i don't like being bad at things, which causes frantic actions which causes forced art. Which, in favour, makes me feel like i'm falling behind. Causing( what i used to see as) orange and yellow explosions, red and black, behind my eyelids in this situation. anxiety

I always try and do so much. I think to much. It always turns out poorly in the end. Some sort of pre perfectionist if you will. 

I wish i could just create things, write songs without feeling stupid, paint without feeling inferior. Draw without it being the same thing over and over again. Get real talent. I envy all these artists but i'm getting too scared to try and become one myself. I don't really know my purpose anymore. 

My path is so skewered and unknown it feels like i'm free falling into a fucking abyss. Desperately looking for my parachute string with the unknown on when the impact will occur. When will i hit the floor and not be given any chance to get back up? 

I'm struggling. Struggling feels like a million versions of blurred hands. Grasping and ripping at your ribcage. Trying (desperately) to hold onto your heart. To even touch it.  
What i could only vaguely remember as what should be red and pink. Wet. 

Unsure of what to do, feeling frantic. Like everything you look at is fake/doesn’t even exist. Red and pink shades, all of them, should be lining the insides of your eyelids like a slideshow.  
Flashing like strobe lights.

Blood pouring from your fingertips, trying to figure out how to create something worth creating.   
Rocks, heavy in your lungs.  
Breathing in blood (red) and exhaling grey (smoke,.. dust)  
There's a fire inside and i'm afraid that it’ll die out before i figure out how to tend to it.

I've been hiding away in my apartment for a week now. A sudden urge to not exist in my own life anymore overtaking my body. I mean i still go to class but that is absolutely it. Skipping movie nights and eating together and even just seeing junghwa in general to avoid having to explain what's wrong because i don't really know to be honest.

Nothing in my life has changed yet i have? All i ever want to do is sleep. Not eat, not shower, not watch tv or go online or even look at a paintbrush. All i do is what's necessary and sleep. 

Junghwa inevitably noticed. today i find myself cornered in an abandoned hall near the downstairs bathroom near the art studio.

“What's wrong” was asked with a voice filled with worry

“Nothing” flat

“Bullshit” he sounds maybe hurt “ did i do something?” his arms are on either side of me, against the wall.keeping me there but not touching me. Maybe afraid of pushing too hard. Avoiding his eyes i stare towards the floor between his left arm and his body

“No” 

“Then what's wrong?”

“I've just been tired i don't know” surprisingly my voice cracks. For no reason. i convince myself that i'm fine.

“jungkook..” sympathetic

“I'm fine” swallow “it's nothing i'm fine okay don't worry”   
He's silent for a moment maybe, no, more like 30 seconds, but it feels like an hour

“Are you feeling homesick again?” i bring myself to meet his pity filled eyes.

It happened right after my grandmother had died the previous year. After the funeral i dug myself into my bed and didn't leave for a while. Creating a hole in my heart and wallowing into myself pitifully. I had no one anymore. No place to fall back to incase something went wrong. Nowhere to go during holidays. no one to call…

That's when we really became close. Hed noticed my under eyes and would grab me by my arm, leading my lifeless body along with him. Letting me live in the backseat but still forcing me to actually live.

One night even confiding in me about when his mom died. Telling me how he'd coped with it himself. Even going as far as confiding how he felt when he met his step mom and little sister, saying he was filled with anger and sadness because no one could replace his mom so why bring in this woman to try to? Explaining his spiral downward, pessimistic and quiet, hating life. How he was able to take a step back and pull himself out, then explaining that it's not easy for anyone and that everyone needs someone. Hie eyes were wet

seeing him break down just enough to relate but stay strong enough for me caused me to just lose it. I spent hours laying against him and crying in his arms. Rubbing his hand up and down my spine telling me that i'm okay and that it's okay and that he's here for me. 

After calming down enough he took me to an overpass, the little walkway above speeding cars and told me to just scream. Let it all out. Here and now so that i could get any sort of release. Start the healing process i was avoiding approaching. 

He started by screaming. Spreading his arms and just wailing into the darkening sky and headlight roads. Encouraging me to do the same. Slowly taking turns yelling until we're both overlapping our sounds.

At first it felt hard to stand. Feeling my knees about to cave in. but soon my fists we're against my chest pushing all the power in my body out my mouth in the form of inhumanly rough shouts. Arms spread, grasping hands and yelling together.   
That's the first night i spent at his house.

“Maybe…” i admit “ i don't know” he pulled me into an embrace and wrapped his long arms around my fragile state.   
Blankly staring over his shoulder, arms dangling at my sides.  
“Dude i'm here for you you know. Like talk to me and shit i'll help… and if i can't help i'll be there you know” 

“yeah , sorry” eyes stinging.

He made me go out and eat with him. We went to a burger restaurant that was popular amongst people our age. The whole time pretending i was fine. Not prodding and begging for me to spill all my unknown emotions but just eating and joking around at me as usual.

I started to feel normal again after two hours around him. Not exactly back to normal but more myself than i'd been the past isolating week.   
For a brief moment even dreading heading back home.   
My thoughts always express across my face i've been told. transparent

“Sleep at my place tonight alright? We still haven't watched that one harry potter movie”

“I hate harry potter” i complain and he smiles

“Ya but it's something to do”

And that's what happened. He dragged me to his place, forced me to shower, he even sat in the bathroom as i showered just to keep me talking, knowing that if i'm alone with my thoughts i'll probably run. 

Loaning me clean clothes and making some popcorn along with the cheesy movie franchise we both dislike enough to watch just to point out predictable scenes and cheesy plotlines. slouched against the couch, legs on his coffee table and a fistful of popcorn making it's way into my mouth.

His phone chimes as i reach for my drink. Junghwa c o v e r s his popcorn in butter which leaves a weird residue in your mouth and leaves you desperate to quench thirst. Tapping sounds fill the silence between characters on screen as he replies to whoever just messaged him.

“jungkook!” he hits my chest and i spit my drink. Causing him to laugh out apologies.

“What?” i cough back

“Guess what we're doing tomorrow?” he asks and i blink. 

“Uh.. what?” 

“Namjoo’s throwing a party!” he said excitedly. I sighed and threw my head back and he grabbed my arm at my wrist, tugging. “Come on!! It's fun it'll be fun!”

“Our definitions of fun are different” he tugged more

“Come on! I'll be with you and it'll push you to socialize and..” he paused and i looked at him  
“ you'll be around people” he said quietly

“Ya but they're all your friends.. They don't even like me” 

‘Not true! Namjoo asked me to invite you!”

“Bullshit” he shoved his phone in my face and sure enough, she did. Namjoo is a girl i've only ever met once, shes in most of junghwa’s classes if i remember correctly. I met her at one of junghwa’s dance recitals. Barely even saying hi to her with my own lips, just existing there and being introduces to all his friends from class, being there solely to support him.

She's pretty, hair cut just past her ears and see through bangs. She's one of those pretty trendy girls a lot of guys are after. I am surprised she even remembers the brief encounter we had.  
Still looking uncomfortable with the idea he shakes his voice into a smaller one.  
“Alright we won't go” he says, going for his phone

“What? You can still go” i protest.

“I wanna hang out with you though” glances back over to me, seeing how close i am to giving in and i am always so close to giving in. “Come on.. We’ll stay for an hour then as soon as you wanna leave we’ll go okay?” he pleaded and i rolled my eyes.   
“Come on” you could hear his smile. 

“Fine i'll go but as soon as i wanna go i'm out. Not like last time where you kept me there for the entire time and i needed to ask someone for a lift because the trains stopped for the night”

“Deal!” he was happy and as much as i didn't wanna go, being around him is making me realize that i don't really live like a 19 year old. I live like a 40 year old businessman, never doing anything ‘ f u n ‘ unless being forced by junghwa. So i'll go and hate it and leave but atleast i'll go.  
We fell asleep after8;48 am. Waking up tangled in his bed with his arms wrapped across my torso. A habit of his sometimes, rarely, he force spoons whoever he sleeps with. But i'm thinking it's just because i've been avoiding him for a week now so maybe he just missed me.

My newly awoken eyes scanning the familiar blue walled room. Two posters lay on his wall of two dancers i've never heard of. A desk in the corner riddled with overdue assignments and energy drinks by the looks of it. As usual. Laptop on the nightstand by my head, sitting atop more papers.

The familiar scent of men's cologne stinging at my nose. Junghwa loved to smell ‘ like a man ‘ so often used nostril assaulting combinations of colognes. He often showers in the morning so whenever i sleep over all his sheets smell like is that scent. As much as i dislike it generally it fills me with some nostalgia and comfort. It's his scent and he's good. He cares about me. He's my family. So it's a good scent too by comparison.

Checking the time to be nearly 1pm, trying to pry from his embrace.   
“Nooooo” he whines

“It's 1pm dude.” i say and he pulls me closer “i gotta pee”

“It's comfortable” he hugged me tighter. 

“I will pee here” i declare and feel his arm reluctantly lift from my body.

“Gross”

Most of the rest of the day was a mess of ordered takeout and catching up on the latests shows we both had yet to watch.mostly animes i liked that he...tolerated.  
It was nice, laughing along and getting emotionally invested to characters while covered in ordered chicken and pizza grease. All while being with someone else who's having their own experience with the same variables. I almost hope that he forgets about the party tonight and that we could just continue along with this. Of course that doesn't happen. This boy really loves partying. And will never pass up the opportunity to go to one, especially one with free booze.

Soon enough it's almost 9 pm, we've showered and he's loaned me a nice hoodie and jeans a little too large for me. Him putting a slight tint of eyeshadow at the corners of his eyes, forcing me to do the same. Then forcing me to use a lip tint that graduates from darkest towards the most inner part to lightly dusted. 

Honestly makeup does make me look better, enhance my features, in this case my eyes. but i'd rather not. It's a hassle to put on then there's always the underlying causality that you'll rub your eye and forget you're wearing makeup. The at the end of the day you have to make sure all the makeups off and wash your face and it just too much. 

I also hate drawing attention to myself which is exactly what makeup does. The girls like it for whatever reason and guys eye you either out of envy of female attention or because it's not common for males to wear makeup like this. It's usually only celebrities or special occasions, halloween… not just to a common classmate's birthday party.

Arriving when there’s enough people to classify it a party, we both walk in. junghwa has an air of confidence and elegance that follows him wherever he goes. Everytime he enters a room people know. They notice. He has a lot of friends as well so it's easy to be left behind while around him.

As soon as we walk in he grabs my wrist and pulls me to the party's owner.

“Look who came!” he shouted over the bass of the music.

Namjoo was talking with a small group of girls when we walked up. wearing a striped, black and white crop top over a black long sleeve one. A choker placed along her thin neck, hair straightened to curve towards her face. a would be Red beret type hat and jeans with high waisted fishnets. Her makeup was simple as well. A little bit of orange glitter surrounded her small eyed, eyebrows combed and filled. Similar lip tint to junghwa but a few shades darker.

She could be a celebrity with her looks alone but that's all people really know her for. She was very pretty but looked like she was trying too hard to be noticed. She looked like a fashion magazine threw up. Personality wise nice but very easy to sway into purchasing and rebranding into whatever style is popular with her friends. She always was the most put together girl in the room and that made others jealous.

“jungkook!” i've never heard a girl more happy to see me. I waved a little with a half smile to say hi. Introducing me to the group that surrounds her, all having names that didn't register in my ears because as soon as the sounds left her lips it was gone forever. The four girls around her smiling at me and saying hi. Probably unaware we attend the same school. Never giving a second glance in the halls.

“Hey i'm happy you came” she says, grabbing my arm, which is located by my sides, hands in hoodie pocket.

“I had to drag him here you better be happy” junghwa jokes

“You didn't wanna come? Not even to my birthday party?” she pouts slightly. I don't even know you

“Parties aren't my thing” it's true

“Well i'm glad you're here even though you don't wanna be, i promise you'll have fun” Crinkles near her eyes when she smiles. 

the whole party was like any other one. loud music, dimmed lights, a shelf full of alcohol in the kitchen. dancing and kissing surrounding me. it was boring to say the least. not my favourite night.  
i was on my phone for the most part, mind numbingly scrolling through different apps, at some point locking myself in the bathroom to avoid social interraction with people i dont know. feeling my anxiety spiking. i want to leave. 

its already been an hour and junghwa is nowhere to be seen. i am out of my mind in sobriety. everyone around me slanted and drunk ive never felt so clear compared to the rest.   
navigating through the party looking for him, i want to leave. even if he wants to stay i am leaving and need to let him know atleast. a girl stumbles into me, spilling all the contents of her drink across my chest. 

"sorry" she spits with a smile

"its fine" wiping the front of my sweater with the sleeve.

i need to find junghwa and i need to leave now.  
im stopped in my tracks by namjoo, drunk and giggling, gripping my arm with her small hand, long should be red nails. rosy cheeks.

"jungkook" she slurrs, i put my hand on her arm to hold her up. her shoes, although fashionable, not aiding in her attempt at walking. or .. standing

"hey" i reply back, noticing the cup in her hands covered in lipstick marks, half empty for the umpteenth time.

"ive been looking for you" she sways

"oh yeah?" i re position my hands so that i can hold her up better.

"yeah! where have you been hiding?" she hits me playfully, or tries to. stumbling with her hand motion.

"just walking around... how drunk are you?"

"ive only had like two drinks im not drunk" she giggles. i nod and smile a little,attempting to look friendly "youre cute" she says

"what?" surprised

"junghwa says you never talk to girls.. he says that youre scared of getting rejected but you shouldnt be! youre so cute" she leans a little

"o-okay yeah.. thank you i-" i spot junghwa from the corner of my eye

"do you think im pretty?" my eyes snap back to her.

"what?"

"youre really cute" she repeats and i blink hard. what is going on "do you think im?" does she want a compliment? is she insecure and needs reassurance of her attractiveness? 

"yeah- i mean.. i guess yeah youre pretty why-"

"do you wanna kiss me?" what 

"uhhh"

"you can kiss me if you want" shes leaning against the wall with an attempting to look cute face, fluttering eyelashes and pursed lips.

"youve had much more than two drinks" at that she giggled

"soooo" she leans in a little as she speaks, playful. taunting. teasing. i bet this works with many boys.

A bright flash catches my attention. a yellow glow coming from the other side of the room. golden light and the top of the head of a party goer.warm radiance and the feeling in my chest is as if im being pulled by strings connecting to my ribcage. i have to see.. if it is.. is it him?  
"excuse me i.. gotta go" i say and attempt to walk away. narrowly avoiding her grabby hands.

making my way towards the moving light. attempting to slide through the crowd as quickly as possible. the light getting dimmer and dimmer the further away he gets. im loosing my chance to see him again..

"jungkook!" junghwa grabs my arm. i snap my head towards him. he appears when im no longer looking for him? "heyyy hows it goin?" he asks and i pull my arm away 

"ill be right back " i say and look back towards where the light was. now gone  
. "shit" i start pushing through the crowd, almost running if that were possible in this cramped room. finally makimg my way outside and looking around frantically for any source of the yellow boy. only seeing a faint hue in a speeding car, heading away from me. 

i call a cab, knowing junghwa wont wanna leave now, and i head back to my poorly kept apartment. smelling like alcohol ive not even drank i kick my shoes off. 

 

Trash litters my room. Two empty frozen chocolate drink containers, about five water bottles, wrappers, two.. No.. three empty juice bottles, paper bag which once held doughnuts, scrap paper and plastic shopping bags. A few dishes as well. Al conveniently scattered towards the head on my bed on the left side from the doorway, right hand side if your perspective is on the bed.  
i climb onto my dirty sheets, ripping the damp vodka soaked hoodie off my body and crawling under the covers. i will clean my apartment tomorrow. 

Outside of my window feels industrial. Crooked structures filled with rusted metal. a lot of window, Eyes watching. A poster plastered over a broken window on the second floor of the most rusted of the buildings, peeling off after (at least) two years of clinging on. 

Back yards with plants, graffiti on the gym door, which is the equivalent of a garage door. Street lights turn off around 8am. The structures awkwardly glued together, spiral staircases and hidden doorways. At Least three backyards exist in my line of sight, there's a shed behind my apartment. 

Looking into the home with the most window, i think they moved away. Their window used to have white and blue flowers, orange inside amongst other things. But now it's all grey. Dull blinds being the only occupant in the usually cramped room. Each window at a different stage of closing eyelid. 

It all looks so asymmetrical. And i like it that way.

When it rains like this it sorta feels like you're at sea. Crouching at a low angle and glancing out the window so that all you can see are the tops of buildings, maybe some leaning treeline and swaying power lines pushed by the breeze. Then the sky. The sky's most important. The skys grey and dark, like in the movies. Water droplets on the window sill slowly gliding down like tear stained cheeks. Dripping. So desperately hanging on.

A break in the grey sky, clouds separating ever so slightly to allow a sliver of white light to rain down. (golden) white managing to shine through the morphing clouds. Renaissance painting esque.

i did clean my room the next day.

**Author's Note:**

> ayo i wrote alot already i just have trouble editing all my mistakes sorry


End file.
